September 10th, 2013

crossed heart

progress and paranoia

Originally published at Cassie Alexander. You can comment here or there.

Work’s been worky the past few nights, and I haven’t been sleeping all that well — it’s hard to go from two weeks of daytime to solid night work. I’m off tonight, but I only slept 6 hrs today, so my brain’s feeling dry. I’m trying to wring words from it nonetheless — because tomorrow night I’m on for another four, and then after that my dad’s coming into town and we’re going into painting mode, so that we can finally unpack.

I’m up to 2500 words though on book 6. It’s all very rough (sooooo rough) but that’s okay, it’s words. It’s weird how stress can clamp your brain down, and house-buying/prepping/moving had me totally shut down for six weeks. I’m only now beginning to rebound, and very slowly at that.

I’m scared about not being done with the rough draft of this proposal by the end of the month (my nominal goal) because between painting and work I only have five nights off before October. After that things should go more smoothly, and I have a local writing retreat in Oct to look forward to to make up some word count in, but I do want to stay on the two books a year hamster wheel, sooooooo yeah.

I’m trying really hard right now to find some balance. I don’t want to push myself too hard for a bit because I honestly need a break, and I’m afraid if I do push, I’ll shut down again. It’d be one thing if it were just writing, but the physical stuff of moving is hard — there’s an endless supply of house-stuff that needs to get done, and we’re still living out of suitcases until after painting happens — and then nightshift nursing is exhausting and sometimes emotionally hard, and my commute’s longer now, and I’m picking up a few extra shifts because I’m nervous about being housepoor — I just don’t have much bandwidth left for writing, or feeling bad about not writing as the case may be, right now. But if I’m going to turn in a new book by the end of January….argh.

I just need to be patient. And concentrate on October. And getting my shit together sometime before the end of the year, heh. It’ll happen. I just need to find some zen.