January 2nd, 2012

crossed heart

rough day

Originally published at Cassie Alexander. You can comment here or there.

As will come to no surprise for no one, I suffer from occasional depression, and today was a pretty bad day. Made more frustrating by the fact that most of the home remedies I use to combat it were unavailable to me because of my back. Usually, I go outside, I see other people, I exercise, and I work -- and usually that fixes things, or gets them tolerable. But I couldn't really do any of those, because of my back.

I hurt really bad after New Years Eve. The party I went to was great, it was *so* good to get out of the house and *so* nice to see everyone. I drank some, and we spent the night there, and it was good to just be away from everything for a little bit. Unfortunately, between overdoing things and the strange bed, I felt pretty crunchy yesterday already...and the anti-inflammatory med i was taking (the second one they've put me on) started messing with my stomach. I stopped taking it, and then this morning everything compounded. I felt like I'd gone backwards, which was depressing, and everything else just clouded in.

I was already having a mini-breakdown at the waiting spot for my PT (he works out of a really personalized gym). There were all these healthy people there, going through their New Years goals, and they looked at me, and I was all schlubby in sweatpants and my Darkplace Hospital t-shirt, and I could see them wondering if I was going to be with them, not in a mean way, but in a way their wondering if I was going to join their boot camp number or not made me feel even more left out. Like the normal world was passing me by. I watched them hop and punch and kick and wondered just when I'd get to do those things too. Me, who is now tired and hurting after just sitting up too much.

(And I realize, writing this down, it all sounds like my hyper focused depression lumping on and trying to kick my ass -- which is half the reason I journal about it. It's easier now to see that the well's not quite as deep as it felt this morning, but it's still good for me to see where I was to compare it to where I actually am.)

And then, as I was struggling to keep things together, I saw a former patient of mine walk by.

That patient and I had some *times*, heh. But they don't remember me at all, because they were sedated the entire time I had them -- the second they got better, they were transferred off of our floor. Seeing them just brought up all this stuff I couldn't deal with -- the fact that I'm off work right now, that I'm not sure when I'll be able to go back to work, that I steered that patient past death's door and they wouldn't even remember me, even though I will never, ever, forget them. Metaphorically, it resonated, and not in an entirely good way. A big part of my identity is invested in being a nurse, and I don't feel like much of one right now. My PT came and got me and I pretty much just broke down in the room and cried.

He did a lot of decompression work on my back which helped out with a lot of the pain. And I hung out with my husband a lot, who gets it when my brain is crunchy like this. He reminds me that none of the way I'm feeling has a basis in reality, which doesn't always banish it (and is sometimes irritating to hear) but is a good overall sanity check.

I tried to work earlier today, and it didn't go so well. We ate dinner with the main house though, and I have a play date with a friend tomorrow, and one scheduled for Weds too, and things'll get better. The well's shorter than I thought it was this morning, and tomorrow it'll be shorter still.