December 20th, 2011

crossed heart

hello from the hospital

Originally published at Cassie Alexander. You can comment here or there.

I'll try to type this fast. The meds are taking me down, and I should go with them.

Sunday night my back hurt the worst yet ever. I got up from the bed to brush my teeth, and my muscles just wouldn't stop spasming. It was the worst pain I have ever ever had.

We live just 3 blocks away from the nearest hospital (which isn't the won i work at), and I couldn't get into the car. My husband had to call 911 to come and get me. The transfer was agonizing, and it just didn't let up. They gave me 12 mgs of Morphine and 2-3 of Ativan and got me into an x-ray room and back, and someone made a lame joke about "they're gonna think someone's having a baby in here" only i couldn't laugh or punch them because I was too busy screaming to god to make it stop.

I got driven to my work hospital early that AM. And my coworkers all came over to see me. I love them so much. I got settled and slept in till 2-3 PM and then woke up in pain all over again. They gave me 5 of Morphine and Ativan and Dilaudid and I remember looking around the room and seeing that I wasn't on an O2 sat, and I could feel myself going apnic. So I asked them for a nasal canula, put it on, and then passed out.

I couldn't get out of bed to pee yesterday it hurt so bad. Today I managed to once. The rest of the times they've had to straight cath me. I can't sit down it hurts my back too badly, but i can only hold myself up on my arms for so long, and then i'm tensing so much I can't pee...plus, i was scared of how bad it'll hurt, and once you start retaining urine it's even harder to let go i think. So that's been fun, being straight cathed every few hours, heh. (In case you've never been cathed before, that was irony. I, personally, had not had the joy until Monday, but now it's like the gift that keeps on giving or some such.)

The doctors keep coming in when I'm perfectly aligned and not trying to, i don't know, effing walk or be human, and they didn't believe me. One of them raced in while i was spasming, shrieking in pain, and basically yelled at me that he couldn't give me any more dilaudid. Thank you, asshole. I don't want your effing narcotics, I want something that will make my BACK STOP.

Eventually i got through to them and -- a whole day after being here with the same complaint -- am getting fancy ben gay and fancy lidocaine on my back, which is actually helping. I got an MRI too. They didn't want to do one, but when it seemed like i was getting worse, plus the retaining urine, I wanted one. If i had not known exactly what to say and how to say it as a nurse, i never would have gotten one. Plus, a friend of mine was resource nurse today, and he made double sure they wrote the actual order. No fewer than three doctors told me "they'd write for one", which I assumed would be *right fucking now* but what they apparently meant was, *in three days if you don't get better, and if I'm still your doctor, and if the sun is in Capricorn*. Jesus.  I feel *so* badly for patients now, that have to defend themselves and even manage to be proactive, when they are at their worst. I try to do it for them at my job, but this just proves that it's a full time affair. I tell you, from here on out, i am not going to ever be shy again about it.

My husband has been awesome. My friends have been rad. My coworkers have been checking up on me from all three shifts, which has really really been nice. I scared my brother half to death this morning, he called just as my back when at it again, and I hung up on him while I was screaming -- and he called my parents and told them to get into town no matter what, and got my husband's number so he could get mad at him for not being there. (My husband had only had two hrs of sleep the night before, and he was already on his way in. It's jut that there's no room for him to spend the night here with me, or he would.)

I'm glad he did it, because having my parents here today was nice. (Stupid stoic me told them not to come into town.) It really cheered me up. So did having PT/OT. Even though they effing hurt so effing bad...just having someone tell me i would get better again, helped me.

Not all of y'all know me in RL. But I am super tough girl in real life. I'm not a cryer, and certainly not a screamer, and not a "please god make it stop make it stop" sobber. I have massive tattoos (and numerous piercings, which were a joy to get out before the MRI tonight) to attest to the fact that I'm tough. This back thing has completely laid me low. It has wrecked my image of me.

I need to sleep now. Things aren't as bleak now as they were here -- i just wanted to journal it out, like i do. Tomorrow i will probably be happier, and hurting less. My family will be back, and my friends will come by again, which is excellently distracting and grand.

I'm talking to talk here, because this journal's my diary, like it always has been. Please don't offer me medical advice in comments on lj. I'm not in the mood to hear it.