December 15th, 2011

crossed heart

this time baby, i’ll be bulletproof

Originally published at Cassie Alexander. You can comment here or there.

Thanks to everyone who listened and helped out yesterday. It was a long day. I pretty much spent most of it looking at pictures of cute animals online.

Today was much better, after 12 hrs of sleep. Still sick, but I felt less bad today on all fronts overall. I didn't call him back to check up on him. Not because I don't care, but because I need some boundaries. (I don't want to know if he's worse and feel helpless again. If that makes me a bad person, so be it.) I also (and this is huge, hooray, not) called Al-Anon to get information on local meetings. No guarantees I'll go, but that's the biggest step I've made in that direction yet. As I've mentioned before, I get pissed off that his drama makes me have to deal with my own drama...but that's the way it is, so I might as well get dealing.

It seems a shame to negate part of the awesome that happened this weekend, so let me rewind back to it -- my husband had his office party on Monday night, and that was a really grand time. He's a lawyer who does important non-profit work to keep electronic stuff affordable for people (she handwaves). It was very cool to meet all of his coworkers, who were super effusive about him. Seriously, when he walked away, one of them grabbed me and said, "You realize he single-handedly beat AT&T, right?" Like not kidding, and not drunk, heh. Because my husband pretty much did. He's an awesome super genius with a social conscience. I love him so much. At the end, his office handed out assorted Christmas gifts to everyone, and we got a Kindle Fire, which was swiggety-sweet. It was like an Oprah episode in there :D.

Today/tonight I started to get back into Shapeshifted proper. I like the first ten K. It can stay. The next ten k I want to make some changes to, and will probably want to do so exponentially from there on out. Tomorrow marks the T-30 days to do everything in, and I work 8 of those days. It's due 1/15. Luckily I'm awesome and can do it all, right? Right.

More randomness, brought on by my post-title: did any of y'all know there was a Skrillex and La Roux remix of In for the Kill? Me either, until Pandora dredged it up. It's out there in the ether for y'all to download, not hard to find. (I first searched for places/ways to pay, and could find none.) It's pretty sweet. Not unrelated lyrically, to Bulletproof at least, the Bassnectar remix of Lights by Ellie Goulding is really, really good.

I'm threatening (as usual) to drop off the face of the world for the next month or so. (I doubt that'll happen, but it's very empowering to say I might for some reason, so here goes.) I need to be very drama free to do what needs doing. That should be my fantasy name: Girl Who Does What Needs Doing. I feel pretty wrung out and dry-hearted right now. Maybe that's a good thing. Emptiness is evenness. (I want to say dead inside, but that sounds worrisome. It doesn't feel particularly worrisome. Just another hollowed out day. Focusing on attainable goals and measurable accomplishments. I am practiced at this. Fake it till you make it, baby, even if the first thing on your detailed fake list is "getting out of bed" followed by "taking a shower". Pretty sure everyone's been there before.)

Back at it for a little longer tonight. Probably post an update tomorrow.

crossed heart

mixed blessings

Originally published at Cassie Alexander. You can comment here or there.

As part and parcel of being ill the past few days, and depressed, I'd been laying in bed a lot with no back support. (All the moreso because it's freezing here, and our electric blankets provide most of our studio's available heat.) Today I felt better, and I tried to do some house cleaning (read: picking up half a forest of kleenex on my side of the bed) and *wham*. I messed up something in my lower back.

I refused to do anything about it for a few hours, like any true medical professional, trapped in my denial and in the fervent belief that I could muscle through because physical ailments Happen To Other People, Not Me...and then when the second time I tried to get out of bed made me cry, my husband dragged me off to the emergency room, where I got prescriptions for very nice pills.

It's pretty funny actually -- I haven't taken narcotics in ten years, easy. Despite the fact that I've doled out gallons -- literal gallons -- of them at my job, I haven't had any since I sprained the shit out of an ankle trail running (whereafter I had to walk out a mile on it, with crutches improvised from fallen sticks and tears.) That was darvocet. They don't even prescribe darvocet anymore, because it does bad things to your heart.

Anyhow -- home now with a scrip and what I must admit is a pretty decent high. The pain hasn't really subsided, but post-Valium, I find myself not caring, which is nice. I'll probably crash out any minute now and sleep really well tonight.

I got a doctors note to miss out on this work weekend, which actually kills me because I was going to get third weekend pay, plus holiday pay, for working on Christmas next weekend -- but only if I did these next two shifts. I only get one back however (as a coworker kindly pointed out to me in a text) and I gotta keep it sound. Better to miss out on sweet time and a half dollars and be able to bend without pain. Because right now, i need some sort of exotic contraption to both lower me to the toilet, and then assist me getting back off of it again :P.

I feel old. Dammit. But happy, heh ;). I'll take the fake chemical happy and a pass on tonight, and greet tomorrow better off for it.