September 23rd, 2011

crossed heart

I would like a home.

Originally published at Cassie Alexander. You can comment here or there.

I am so over where we live right now. I've made the mistake of looking at Beautiful Portals on and off as breaks from writing for the past few hours, and we need to move.

It's nothing with my housemates, it's just...this place isn't home. It's too small, and not all our things are here, and I wouldn't pick here to be our home if I had a choice.

Two and a half years ago, moving here was a really good idea, my husband was in school and we were getting married, and so downsizing seemed brill. But now I am very very over it.

I think half the thing is that this house has no soul. We (husband, cat, me) are in one (350 sq ft) room, of a pretty boring house on an unattractive street. Where I grew up in Texas, we had acres of land around us -- we were among the first to live in our neighborhood, at the very edge of town. For years I could ride my bike around through wildflower trails and not see anyone all day. Better yet, a relative's family had a ranch in the middle of no where. I loved that place, with all my heart and soul. I realize it was pretty barren and windswept, looking back, but just the fact that the space all around you was nobody's but yours...when I was a kid, I was king of the world. (Or of a lot of very tolerant cows.)

I'm the kid of divorced parents, so a lot of my childhood was nomadic, especially since one set of folks kept moving around. It's been good for me in a lot of ways -- I love to travel, and anywhere I lay my head is home for the night. Which is probably why it took almost three years to catch up with me. This place isn't my home.

It's a home, but it's not my home. And I want my own. Something I can change and paint, someplace I can pick, where my doors and windows preferably open out to nothing but grass and trees, civilization on a distant edge. That's what I deep down, in the pit of my soul, want.

I know this is a first world problem. And I can drive to the pretty, anytime I want, which is a luxury a lot of people don't have. But everything here is way way way expensive, the only way we could make a downpayment is if my husband and I both sold all our matching organs. Or I write really damn well on this book.

Seeing as I like my kidneys, we all know the direction this is going, heh.

I just wanted to put it out there in the universe. I'm tired of living in between. I am heartsick for a place I haven't been yet. I want to go home.