I made crazy progress today -- well, really, tonight -- and just sent what I've done so far to alpha reader, to see what he thinks. I believe I'm doing the right thing now. I hope he agrees. Not that I don't ever disagree with him, but we've been in agreement on this thing here, plus, um, people at Blue Heaven agree too, soooooo yes. Needed to fix things, trying to fix things, and to be honest, I'd freaking love a head pat at this juncture.
What keeps me going in between (rare and infrequent) head pats though? Crass commercialism. I'm not even kidding. Let me tell you what I've imaginary shopped for in the past hour: trips to Disneyland, Maleficent statues that are waist high, alllll of the Disney Villains MAC themed makeup that came out last year, and snow globes.
How much of that stuff will I actually get? Right now, not much. (Okay, I have two of the lip glosses. And I sort of need this -- it's medical themed!) But we don't have space, and I don't have cash flow -- yet. Ooooh yet.
But if I do things right? If I'm smart enough, fast enough -- and let's be honest, freaking lucky enough -- maybe someday. So yeah, when things suck -- I look at ebay, or craigslist, redfin, or the Disney store. I think about executive desks so wide I can't touch both sides of them simultaneously, I think about the 180 gallon fish tank of my dreams (freshwater, of course, I'm greedy, but not insane) and a house big enough to put them both in.
Some days I write to leave trails of breadcrumbs for the mes of the past to find in the future, and some days I write for readers, to show them what it's like to feel a certain way, to thill them or frighten them or make them fall in love.
But other times, I write to get somewhere. A place with more than four walls, with a bathroom and a kitchen that's entirely mine. I'm hungry to get to where I want to be. It's not a pretty reason to write, but it's mine, and it gets me in the chair and off the internet, and that's what counts, in the end. I'm my own ticket into the future that I want to have. If it takes a little ebay to get me there, so be it.